Canada salivates in relief…
At a joint press conference the morning of April 1, Quebec Premier Philippe Couillard and Montreal Mayor Denis Coderre announced their approval of a new pipeline project that will carry over 400,000 barrels per day of delicious, savoury poutine from the province to grease-starved areas across Canada.
The government officials, who have recently expressed concerns about other pipeline proposals, explained the policy reversal to assembled journalists. “This is a crucial infrastructure project that will address urgent gastronomic issues not just in one province, but across the nation,” said Couillard. “It is time for regions to stop thinking selfishly and to work together to solve the most important challenges we face as a country.”
When questioned about potential environmental impacts of the pipeline, Mayor Coderre explained that there were more important issues to be addressed: “Our primary condition for accepting the project is that the technical safeguards must be in place to ensure the gravy diluent is added on delivery so as to ensure the fries don’t get too soggy. Our reputation is at stake,” he insisted. Couillard agreed: “Gravy must be added at the other end. I refuse to sit back and watch our fellow Canadians suffer from soggy poutine!”
The benefits of the project are already being felt in Alberta. Calgary-based engineering company Vista Projects has been awarded the tender for the pipeline’s design. While the poutine pipeline – affectionately referred to as the “Pout-line” by Mayor Corderre – will be a first for the firm, it hopes to leverage its extensive experience engineering steam-assisted oil facilities to develop a mechanism for flash-heating the gravy before it is added to the fries and cheese.
“The challenge,” explains Vista’s technical poutine advisor, Dave Côté, “is to make sure the gravy doesn’t clump. Nobody likes clumps in their gravy.”
Calgary restaurateur Martin Maheux, owner of the local Laurier Lounge restaurant, a well-known poutine establishment, also welcomes the delectable news: “I’ve already applied to the regulators for a local distribution line directly to our restaurant. Our clients deserve authentic Quebec poutine.”
Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi is also reportedly welcoming the news of the project: “Mmmph mrrr mrrrmurpph murrphurmrr,” he stated around a mouthful of half-chewed fries and curds. After swallowing, he added, “We want to get shovels in the ground – and into mouths – as soon as possible!”
The project is expected to kick off early in the summer of 2017, pending the federal government’s approval. Under the Liberal government’s recently revised regulatory process, the Pout-line must show that it will not lead to an increase in GHG emissions from potato farming in Prince Edward Island. However, Prime Minister Trudeau has already offered his encouragement, posing for thumbs-up selfies with poutine diners at a Montreal café just last week.